From The Book Of Sam - Sam On

The year is fast coming to an end and Time's Man Of The Year Award is being hotly contested by Vince 'The Donald' Choi, Sam 'Mini Veeg' Lau and Dan 'The Man' Chung. Not surprisingly, the trio are also hot contenders for 'Da Playa' Award as well as numerous other accolades including the highly coveted Model Of The Year Award. Word around camp is that Sam will with this award for his work on the Summer Collection - 2003. Check it out, bitch.

Below is a selection of Dice's finer moments in the past month, courtesy of 'The Donald' himself.

Mario

Sam On

On Customer Service

Sam is buying pearl milk teas but with no pearls (WTF)...

The girl takes his order and starts making a drink with pearls...

S: (Rushes over to the counter) Excuse me, I asked for no pearls.
G: (Girl gives Dice a dirty, look that is) This is not your drink.
S: (Embarassed) Oh. I was just saying in case you forgot.

On Astronomy

Juz, Veeg and Sam are crewz-n, like the sick cunts that they are...

V: Is that a star or a plane? (wait 5 seconds) No, it's a star. Can't see any flashing lights on the wings.
S: Nah, it can't be a star... It's only a star if it twinkles
J: Im not too sure which children song you got that from...
S: Nah, I'm serious! If it twinkles, then its a star.

On More Customer Service

Dice at Pet Paradise, Chatswood - after the milk tea

S: Do you sell dogs?
A: Um.... yes. They are outside on display
S: Thanks.

On Medical Practice

Usual suspects Juz, Veeg and Mini-Veeg once again...

V: Yeah abortion really hurts the girl. It's just local anaesthetic and then they shove a tube up there...
J: Yeah into the uterus and suck it out...
S: Yeah apparently they suck it out and then they kill it.

Pause

J: So what you are saying is that they suck it out and then they hit it with a shoe or something to kill it?
S: Yeah. Diu le ar.

On Names

Veeg, Mar-z and Dice outside Eastwood kareoke

V: Hey Mar-z, remember that chick we saw? Fuck she was ugly
M: Oh you mean horse-face?
V: Yeah, yeah that one...
S: Why do you call her horse-face?

Vince / Mario

From The Book Of Willie - Red Light Special

One of my favourite perks with being a member of the Aloy's group is the free counseling sessions. It's evident that our group members are quite supportive of each other. Especially when times go rough. And especially when they involve the opposite sex.

In the years our group has been together, we have discovered numerous spots around Sydney to call our home for such discussions. For example: the G-spots - one, two and three; Star City, Cador's, 7-Eleven, Kenta and of course, Sam Lau's penthouse.

I don't know why this particular case took place in the heart of King's Cross...

I recall one of the funnier moments in Aloy's counseling history...

The infant stages of Willie’s relationship with Sammi were fairly turbulent. By the time it reached 4 months, trouble seemed to loom. The Aloys' group wisdom was needed to counsel poor Willie. Justin and I were there.

As we were strolling down the main strip of King's Cross, Willie was completely convinced that all his relationship trauma with Sammi could be solved by seeing one person: a prostitute. Knowing Willie, it made it quite hard for us to judge whether he was joking or serious.

It was safest to take him seriously...

Justin and I tried our best to persuade him from such a stupid notion. Justin and I also tried our best not to laugh at such a stupid notion, but Charles was hell-bent on paying for sex that night. We intercepted Willie in every turn of his mission. Eventually, the swift bastard led us into the abyss behind Hungry Jack's.

Willie pointed to a house. A wicked smile was drawn on his face. The house had all it's windows closed, like all the neighbouring houses in the dark road. But with one difference...

Me, perplexed - "What the fuck are you pointing at?"

Willie, proud - "Mate... Look!"

Me, still perplexed - "Huh?..."

Willie, still proud - "Red light."

At this point I felt it best to stop pursuing him. It was futile. He's a big boy, he can make his own choices. He jogged up to the front door and stood there, as if waiting for me to follow him.

As I drew closer, I took more notice of the prominent red light, advertising the house as a surgery.

Mario

From The Book Of Sam - The Joys Of Bucket Seats

The other day when we went to Warringah I made Dice run and jump into my car (you slack bastard - he's not a show pony - MA)

Well he did it. He opened the door, jumped in and sat down...

right on the spot where the metal sticks out of my bucket seats.

The look on his face was a fucking Mastercard moment.

Vince